4810 Nicollet Ave. S.
Minneapolis, MN, 55419

651-485-1151

Life Love Healing Wellness Center works with individuals, couples and families in the Minneapolis, MN area including these counseling service areas: couples counseling, love addiction, sex addiction, codependency, Enneagram, healthy relationships, other addictions and more. 

Resources

Praesent commodo cursus magna, vel scelerisque nisl consectetur et. Curabitur blandit tempus porttitor. Fusce dapibus, tellus ac cursus commodo, tortor mauris condimentum nibh, ut fermentum massa justo sit amet risus. Cras mattis consectetur purus sit amet fermentum. Cras mattis consectetur purus sit amet fermentum.

Filtering by Tag: sex addiction treatment

Emotional Moderation

leslie root

 Individuals and couples who struggle with moderation express their reality at one extreme or another making it difficult for partners and others to relate to them. People who struggle with emotional moderation don’t appear to understand what a moderate reality is. They are totally involved or totally detached, totally happy or absolutely miserable. People who lack emotional moderation believe a moderate response to a situation isn’t enough, only too much is enough. This symptom manifests in different ways:

 

The Body:

- Hiding the body with baggy clothes,

- Bland colors that fade into the woodwork.

- Flamboyant attire that everyone notices

- Or skimpy, tight clothing that’s revealing

- Physical extremes may also include how large or thin people become

- Compulsively neat or sloppy grooming habits are.

 

Thinking:

- Black and White thinking,

- Right or Wrong

- Good or Bad

- There are few gray areas. Only one right answer, “if you don’t agree with me completely you are totally against me.”

-Solutions to problems are extreme; doing a total cut off or reacting in a way that is not in proportion to the situation or transgression.

 

Feelings

-Difficulty knowing feelings

-Difficulty sharing feelings

-Difficulty experiencing feelings

-Little to no emotion or explosive/agonizing emotions

-Taking on other peoples feelings

 

Behaviors

-Trusting everyone or no one at all

-Allowing anyone to touch them or no one

-Discipline with children may look severe or not at all

-Exaggerated behavior responses to perceived threat

The bad news is our immoderate responses are highly unlikely to change without a therapeutic intervention. The good news is, interventions work! With a good therapist and the correct tools I have seen couples change very quickly. When couples are able to trust that their partner will respond with moderation, their whole relationship can change. Walls come down and intimacy comes in. A well trained therapist or coach can help couples see their current ability to respond moderately in other situations and support clients with utilizing the skill set in their current relationship. It is important to have an outside supporter to identify the benefits and costs of not changing. We are not good at fully acknowledging or knowing the consequences of our behaviors and their impact on generations to come.

 

 

Cycle of Love Addiction

leslie root

The Love Addicts Attraction to what is familiar:

We are taught how to have intimacy and attachment by our family, specifically our primary caregivers; mom and dad. How our parents relate to us, our siblings, and each other, becomes very familiar to us as children. It creates a template for future relationships and intimacy. As we grow up and look for our own partner we are attracted, unconsciously or consciously to what we know and are familiar with.

Most of us did not get all the things we need when we needed them, many of us had large gaps in intimacy, relatedness, and very little guidance on how to identify our needs and find healthy ways to get them met. As a result of family of origin teachings, we learned to be quiet, alone, needless or wantless. By doing so we were rewarded. We were not told we were not a bother by our parents, and as a result of such conditioning we later unconsciously attract people with similar unconscious patterns of disconnected attachment.

The people we are attracted to usually are involved in one or more addictions. They may appear on the outside to take care of themselves because the are so “busy” and “intense”. In reality we choose the very people who don’t have the time or desire to provide us with healthy connections, those who do not prioritize the relationship over outside addictions such as work, alcohol, busyness, gambling, sex etc.

Abandonment in childhood by early caregivers in many forms fuels the message for love addicts that they are not worth being with. As a result love addicts find people who are walking away from them as very attractive. Attempts to resolve the issue of self-esteem are played out in relationship with the hope that what we could not solve as children-making the abandoning person connect with us - can now be achieved. We can finally balance the ledger and restore our own sense of preciousness, of worthiness by fixing what could not be fixed in our childhood.

The Way Out

Love addiction, like other addictions, does not have a “quick fix” we do not get better before we thoroughly examine our lives, our relationships and our realities. Boundaries are blurred, self-esteem is non-existent and acknowledging our needs and wants becomes almost impossible. We are sick, and powerless to improve our lives without the support and help of others. I have yet to see an addict recover on their own, we heal through experiences with others. The support of a therapist, 12-step groups and personal recovery planning are needed to successfully incorporate healthy love into our lives. Reprogramming our experience of relationships is necessary to have fulfilling, authentic love in our lives. 

Sexual Addiction Screening Test

leslie root

  1. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
  2. Have you regularly subscribed to or regularly purchased sexually explicit materials?
  3. Did either of your parents have trouble with sexual behavior (repress or act inappropriate)?
  4. Do you often find yourself being preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
  5. Do you (ever) feel that your sexual behavior is inappropriate?
  6. Does your spouse or significant other ever worry or complain about your sexual behavior?
  7. Do you have trouble stopping your sexual behavior when you know it is inappropriate?
  8. Do you ever feel bad (shameful or guilty) about your sexual behavior (and then rationalize it)?
  9. Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you or your family (physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, spiritually)?
  10. Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like or caused problems?
  11. Have you ever worried about people finding out about your sexual activities?
  12. Has anyone (ever) been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?
  13. Are any of your sexual activities against the law?
  14. Have you made promises to yourself to quit some aspect of your sexual behavior?
  15. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual behavior and failed?
  16. Do you hide (or have you ever hidden) some aspects of your sexual behavior from others?
  17. Does your sexual behavior put you at odds with your personal or spiritual values/integrity?
  18. Have you ever felt degraded by your sexual behavior or affair?
  19. Has sex been a way for you to escape your problems (or self medicate)?
  20. When you have sex, (that you question), do you often feel depressed afterward?
  21. Have you felt (or do you now feel) the need to discontinue a certain form of sexual activity?
  22. Has your sexual activity interfered with your family life?
  23. Have you been sexual with minors (or vulnerable adults)?
  24. Do you often feel controlled by your sexual desire?
  25. Do you frequent pornographic web sites or chat rooms
  26. Do you tend to sexualize others
  27. Do you rationalize your sexual behavior?

 

  1. Check yes or no to the above. Affirmative answers to 12 or more questions strongly suggest that sex is being used like a drug of choice and may be an addiction.


    * Based on the SAST by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. and Brenda Schaeffer's SAST, with permission and includes some adaptations and additions.