When He Thinks She’s Nuts - 5 Ways Out of Polarity and Projection in Relationships
Couple Gridlock and How To Get Out of Stable Misery
You’re so sick and tired of having the same fight with your partner. You tell them what the problem is, and how they are contributing to it, yet nothing changes. In fact, they have a completely different view of the situation. You might even notice that your current relationship is not that different from your past ones. He is shut down, unavailable and minimizes your feelings and you look like the crazy one. You were initially attracted to his easy going, fun loving, spontaneous nature. But now, it’s making the relationship impossible to live with. He won’t take things seriously; he shuts down when you attempt to address the problems in the relationship that seem so clear to you. When you ask him why he can’t see it, he mirrors the same complaint back and attributes the problems to your “overreactions.”
Welcome to the polarity problem!
Polarity in relationships can leave us feeling like we married an angry teenager or irresponsible frat boy. Couples take on opposites or even extremes when they act out polarity in relationship. A few examples of polarity include the following: angry parent-rebellious teen, hysterical wife-silent husband, responsible partner-careless mate, angry husband-sweet and loving wife, depressed partner-cheerful spouse, competent over functioning-incompetent under functioning and the list goes on.
Polarity manifests as an unconscious agreement between couples whereby one partner carries the feelings such as anger for both, while the other carries the sadness or fear for both. Your husband or boyfriend may appear to be the nice guy, while you’re left looking like the nagging angry “mom”. He might tell you to “calm down” or tell you you’re “being emotional”. The reality is your partner, the person who is nice and even “overly” accommodating one, often has buried anger, and unconsciously gets you to display it.
What’s worse is, when we we operate at this level, we don’t see our part. The nature of polarity is that we become hyper vigilant of our partners shortcomings and fail to see our own denied emotions. The only true ability to change the dynamic starts with recognizing what unfinished business you are bringing to the relationship.
If you are stuck in the polarity problem it can feel like nothing is ever going to change. You’re right polarity is very difficult to move out of, but change can occur if couples are willing to make the effort and reflect inward at their disowned parts. It is strongly recommended that couples stuck in these loops seek couples counseling with a therapist that understands the power of polarity. Picking someone who will not take what is happening at face value is essential to getting at the deeper roots of couple conflict and help you to move out of stable misery!
In the meantime, here are a few things you can do to get out of this awful cycle.
Observe your behavior. What things does your partner do that trigger big responses in you? What age do you feel when this happens? What fears are at play?
Notice ways you may be rescuing and parenting your partner. What would happen if you stopped doing it? How are you possibly preventing growth?
Keep turning into your feelings. Notice feelings of anger, what fear or hurt is underneath? Keep peeling back the layers to discover what is really happening inside.
Begin the process of recognizing the parts of yourself you have disowned and how they are mirrored in your partners behaviors. For example: if your partner is needy and you are the opposite, look at ways your needs or needy parts were not allowed within your own family of origin. How were feelings and needs addressed by caregivers, were they allowed or frowned upon? If you experience your partner as angry or critical, how might you have a part of yourself that is burying anger or attempting to silence an inner critic?
Couples can look at their parts by asking themselves the following questions:
What is my greatest fear? (This could be control, abandonment, not being enough, betrayal etc.)
How has this fear shown up early in my life (childhood)?
Who might have had a similar fear in my family?
How old do I feel when I have this fear?
How does the teenager part of me attempt to prevent this fear from happening?
When you have your answers set aside some time for both partners to share with each other or bring your answers to your next therapy session to further explore how they are acted out in your relationship.